I asked my friend directly, "Why are you mad? What is it you're so angry about?" He ranted and screamed into the phone, about 'what' I cannot remember at all - just venting, like he had done many, many times before. My wife said, these are really toxic people - you should really just walk away. "He's been a good friend, a long time, I couldn't abandon him now, he'll come around again."
A Pastor friend I'd jogged with occasionally, quipped, 'Old age makes you better or bitter, it's a choice we all make.' Well, that sounds so quaint, yeah... probably was mentally rephrasing it to, 'Life makes you better or bitter, it's not a choice, just what's handed to you!' Quite interesting coming from a man who knew trouble, disappointment, discouragement, depression and anger. Far from a happy-go-lucky guy, his feet were firmly planted in reality. He might have thought his words, '...better or bitter, a CHOICE we make', fell on deaf ears at the time.
Instead of stopping there, he had more pearls of wisdom, 'You, are responsible for the lines on your wife's face, whether they become laugh lines or of scorn, depression & anger.' Yeah... without much pause, I glanced at my wife at a distance, wondering, 'heh... I better work on that..!'
Remembering another Pastor's wife, her high school year book picture was a wonderful smile, happiness & joy - her 'fixed expression' decades later, not depression, not anger - but scorn. It probably took more joy than she could muster to turn that frown into a smile. If that boiled down to a 'choice' - she telegraphed, 'I made a BAD choice'! Funny, the Pastor, almost self incriminating, 'Happy wife, happy life' and another favorite of his, 'If momma isn't happy, nobody's happy!' Yeah - probably 'hard pass' on getting life & marriage advice from a man who knows failure - but never overcame it personally. I'll stick with my jogging Pastor, his pleasantly smiling wife, radiated her husband's love and devotion.
Wife said the dryer isn't heating up, things are eventually drying after hours of tumbling, yeah, I'd know about it for a week... just struggling with the lack of energy and endurance. Did my research online last week, everything pointed to the gas valve not opening. A 6'3" guy loathes lying on his side, cold basement floor to work on a very old dryer. She volunteered, 'can I help' - Sure, hold the light.
Just light up the tip of the tools, don't remind me of the wrinkles on the back of my palms... she bends over a little more - now we can see it all. Some dryers are just perfectly made for EASY repair work - these multi-decade old Kenmores (two of them), are absolutely the best of the best. One thing about aging, before you descend to 'the floor level' - it becomes habit, to look around wondering, 'How am I gonna get back up?' It's like Rocket Science - Grab this, brace on that - OK, slide that chair just within reach - GOT IT! Descent is now a GO! We are GO for descent! We've got a successful descent to the floor, no slips, we have Descent! Sigh! (I think she was smiling - but, was it because I got to the floor, or just working on the dryer & pulling the cover off the front?) - no matter, the life lines were still on the plus side of joy...
Changed out the gas valve in minutes, and without a struggle, one small wrench for the little screws, one big step for mankind - with another wrench to remove the gas coupling. cracked over the shut off valve momentarily to blow out any dust ... realizing the importance of a dust trap, which I neglected to install... just a little dust, we're ok. When is a good time to remind my lovely wife, 'I love you' - often! In the middle of a heated discussion, reading a book, opening the door, cooking, troubleshooting dryers - yeah, that's a good time. It kinda keeps the 'love balance on the plus side' - probably helps with the facial joy lines.
Minutes later, it was ready to try... I'd stay on the floor, my wife could restart the dryer. Drum rotating, gas igniter glowing orange, nothing. Again... nada.. ( think I could hear some very soft praying from behind me, teamwork, I like that - if you can't do the job, pray for the guy's hands up to their elbows deep in it! Kinda like Politics, heh?) Like a sudden revelation, or slap to the head, 'Gas Shut OFF - turn the gas ON!' - "Hang on a sec, honey, I forget to turn the gas back on!" At that point, no foot to my backside, no cutting remark - although she did let out a gentle, reassuring, sigh.
Gas shut off back on, and a big, a 'click' followed by a beautiful flame... ( thought I heard a 'thank you Lord' behind me ). Well, I certainly did! God is good! We got a working clothes dryer again! I snapped the bottom cover back on, and began a labored ascent back to the upright position, 'We have liftoff the floor, all feet engaged, we have liftoff!' Before I noticed there she was, standing in front of me, one arm slightly extended and leaning ... in case I needed a helping hand.
My friends often said, 'You are so LUCKY to have her for a wife!' Or, 'you don't realize how LUCKY you are with her'. How do you answer that? Really! Should I laugh as I dance around them, "Haha - Sucker! I got her, and left you with the Bitch! haha!"? Or, maybe I should slap them, "Git right with GOD, you heathen!"? Never really had an answer, other than God has been very good to us.
There was a point, early in our marriage, when our Pastor came over for a visit, we were arguing about something, toilet paper position or squeeze vs roll toothpaste tube. He listened to her, then me a couple of times, and gave us words of divine wisdom, I'll never forget. "You two sound like a couple of teenagers, listen to yourselves, arguing over nothing." Like God just slapped me, square across the chops, he was right. Standing up, "You're right, thank you...", I shook his hand, and he left - yep, it was THAT fast... like within a minute, his coat was on, and he was out the door.
Two things happened, she explained years later, 'I decided to quit trying to change him & let God do it, I'd just pray instead." In my mind, I committed to expressing my love for her, daily. Not in an off-handed way, but in a way I was SURE she hear me and knew it was true - those facial lines would either reassure or condemn me as a liar. Revolutionary effects. Like night and day... bright daylight, like she was smiling so big and bright - even our friends started say, "You are SOOOOO lucky!" Not really, God loves all of us, we're just poor at expressing that love in a thankful spirit. My wife's face & demeanor is like a gauge for me ... well, sometimes it takes a little chocolate to boost it, like dumping a can of HEET into the gas tank to dry it out, or fuel injector cleaner to get the Diesel running smooth again. Many years later, while reading the Bible, this stuck out - I'll never forget it...
Romans 1:21 "Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened." But to really get the importance God puts on a thankful spirit, read the verse in the context - Romans 1:18-32. That's some really awful company, the un-thankful live with. Verse 31 just speaks of a marriage, IMO, "31 Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:" - reasons for divorce... Lacking understanding, affection, fidelity, love, mercy. Saying 'I love you' is so simple, yet so powerful. Being thankful and expressing that in love, to your spouse & the Lord - takes a real man or woman, and God... responds to that thankful heart with His blessing,